EQ-i 2.0 - the new Emotional Intelligence model 2011

Author:

Anna Stevens

This article is about the new field of interest for leaders, professionals, and researchers - Emotional Intelligence - 'a new science of interpersonal relationships'. You can discover the definition of EQ/EI, learn about 5 scales of the new emotional intelligence model EQ-i 2.0, and gain better understanding on how Emotional Intelligence impacts your performance at work, affects your personal relationships, decision-making process, stress management, and your life overall.

Have you ever wondered why some very smart people are lonely, unhappy, and unsuccessful? Do you remember anyone from your childhood who wasn\'t that smart, but was outgoing, confident, had a positive attitude, and later in life became very successful? We used to think that IQ can predict how well one will do in life. But you know from your own experience that often high IQ is just not enough. What is this 'other intelligence' that is so much more important for succeeding in the 21st century? It is called Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ/EI) was first mentioned in the 1920s by Edward Thorndike. He referred to it as 'social intelligence; emotional factors'. However, Daniel Goleman, Ph.D. is being considered as the father of Emotional Intelligence, which some people call 'a new science of interpersonal relationships', since his book 'Emotional intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ' was published in 1995. The interest in EQ has increased over the years, and as for today, there are several definitions of Emotional Intelligence in existence. Let me introduce them to you.

According to Multy-Health Systems, Emotional Intelligence is a set of emotional and social skills that collectively establish how well we: perceive and express ourselves, develop and maintain social relationships, cope with challenges, and use emotional information in an effective and meaningful way.

According to Henry L. Thompson, Ph.D., Emotional Intelligence is a person\'s inner ability to perceive and manage his/her own emotions in a manner that results in successful interactions with the environment, and if others are present, to also perceive and manage their emotions in a manner that results in successful interpersonal interactions.

According to Reuven Bar-On, Ph.D., Emotional-Social Intelligence is a cross section of interrelated competencies, skills and facilitators that determine how effectively we understand and express ourselves, understand others and relate to them and cope with daily demands.

According to John Mayer, Ph.D., Peter Salovey, Ph.D., and David Caruso, Ph.D., EI is the ability to perceive emotions, to access and generate emotions so as to assist thought, to understand emotions and emotional meanings, and to reflectively regulate emotions in ways that promote emotional and intellectual growth.

According to the father of Emotional Intelligence Dr. Goleman, EI is the meta-abilities of self-management and interpersonal skills such that self-regulation of emotions leads to interpersonal success.

Emotional Intelligence is built of 5 components. Each of them consists 3 subcomponents.

Self-Perception is the first component of EQ and it refers to one\'s 'inner self' determining how aware you are of your emotions and feelings, how you feel about yourself, and how satisfied you are with what you do in life.

First subcomponent here is Emotional Self-Awarness - the ability to recognize your feelings, differentiate between them, realize why you feel the way you feel, and know how the emotions you\'re experiencing affect people whom you interract with or your decisions. Emotional Self-Awarness is the foundation on which the majority of other EQ components are built, as if you are unaware of what your emotions are and how they make you feel, you can\'t understand why you act in a certain way and how it affects others. People who are high enough on this subcomponent recognize when they feel out-of-sort, irritable, sad, and understand why, so they are able to control thei behavior. As we know, a small change in behavior can lead to some very notable consequences. Emotional Self-Awarness is the key to building successful relationships.

Second subcomponent here is Self-Regard - the ability to accept yourself the way you are and to respect yourself. People with healthy Self-Regard know their strengths and appreciate them while accepting their vulnerabilities and successfully managing them. This subcomponent is usually associated with the feeling of security, inner strength, self-assuredness, and self-confidence. Those people have no problem openly and appropriately apologize if they made a mistake. Self-Regard is based on the healthy sense of identity.

Third subcomponent is Self-Actualization – the ability to realize your potential capacities. This component of EQ is manifested by your becoming involved in pursuits that lead to a meaningful, rich, and full life. It is a dynamic process, a commitment to life-long development in order to be your best self. People with balanced Self-Actualization are able to clearly articulate what they want, set result-oriented goals, develop a plan to achieve them, follow through, and adjust where needed. Those people make promises to themselves and keep them – that\'s how they make progress.

Self-Expression is the second component of EQ and it refers to one\'s ability to openly express feelings both verbally and non-verbally.

First subcomponent here is Emotional Expression – the ability to openly and effectively send messages to others on emotional level through the words we say, their meaning, the tone and the volume of speech, our facial expression, and our body language.

Second subcomponent here is Independence – the ability to function autonomously, direct and control yourself, without relying on others to guide you. Independent people may consult with those whom they trust, but in the end they make their own decisions. Making decisions and acting accordingly, following through and keeping commitments is what stands out about independent people.

Third subcomponent of the second component is Assertiveness – one\'s ability to express his or her feelings, thoughts, beliefs and stand up for own rights WHITHOUT BEING AGGRESSIVE. People with a healthy level of assertiveness always consider feelings and thoughts of others. Shortly speaking, your assertiveness should not prevent others from being assertive.

The Interpersonal Component is the third component of EQ. It is also called people skills.

First subcomponent here is Interpersonal Relationships – ability to establish and maintain mutually satisfying, meaningful relationships.

Second subcomponent here is Empathy – the ability to be aware of feelings and thoughts of others and, as Alfred Adler said, see with the eyes of another, listen with the ears of another, and feel with the heart of another.

Third subcomponent of the third component is Social Responsibility – the ability and willingness to contribute to your group, your company, and the society as a whole. As successful people say, if you have not succeeded yet, you have not yet helped enough people succeed.

Decision-Making is the forth component of Emotional Intelligence and represents the ability to deal with problems realistically, search for and find best solutions and control impulses that can prevent you from selecting the right course of action and following it.

First subcomponent here is Reality Testing – the ability to see things as they are, not as we want or fear them to be. People with a healthy level of reality testing think their views out, build arguments and look for supportive evidence. They are able to identify and address problems as well as recognize and build opportunities.

Second subcomponent here is Problem Solving – the ability to find solutions to problems in situations where emotions are involved. People with great problem-solving skills see challenges as new opportunities for creativity, development, improvement, and growth.

Third subcomponent of the forth component is Impulse Control – the ability to resist or delay an impulse in order to avoid making mistakes or rush decisions as well as prevent oneself from getting angry. This is the essential for success at anything you want to succeed at.

Stress-Management is the fifth component of EQ that refers to one\'s ability to confront reality in a flexible way and see the light in the end of the tunnel.

Flexibility is the first subcomponent of this component. It is the ability to adjust to the unexpected, the unknown, and the change. When new evidence presented, flexible people can adopt their way of thinking. They are open-minded and tolerant of different ideas.

Second subcomponent here is Stress Tolerance – the ability to effectively cope with stress in a positive way.

Third subcomponent of this last component is Optimism – one\'s ability to see a silver lightning in every cloud. It indicates the capacity to be hopeful and resilient as well as general positive attitude.

Emotional Intelligence assessment is recommended for measuring one\'s EQ/EI. Measuring EQ uncovers your Emotional Intelligence abilities and skills and allows you to focus on developing those you need most to achieve your success. We deal with our emotions on a regular basis, there is no way we can avoid it. However, emotions can have a good or a bad impact on our behavior which can either help us achieve our goals or otherwise. If you can become aware of your emotions, your behavioral patterns, your mental habits, then you can manage and guide them to take you where you want to be in your life.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/coaching-articles/eq-i-20-the-new-emotional-intelligence-model-2011-5148771.html

About the Author

Anna Stevens, JD, BBA is a part of the network 'Experts in Emotional Intelligence'. She is the owner of 'EQ for Success' (www.eqforsuccess.com) and a current MBA candidate at GA State University. In addition, she is a happy woman and mommy. Her burning desire is to help as many people as possible to uncover their potential and achieve their goals through Emotional Intelligence.

Anna started expressing the interest in mind power and self-development when she was only 12 years old. Since then, she has learned how to set and achieve high goals and became the one who always makes things happen. Her personal mission statement is 'I believe that each individual is unique and has a great potential for growth. I admire the differences in people and keep my mind free of prejudgments or prejudices. I believe in the power of mind and am committed to inspiring people to be proactive about their life success'.

From Human Doings to Human Beings

Planet Earth has been constantly evolving and every major evolution has accompanied a “shift” in the earth bringing about radical change, transforming the very face of the planet.

We too , the product of these major shifts have evolved along the way, but one wonders if we have understood our evolution or comprehended what we have really gained along the way from cave to skyscraper.

As we grew from togetherness and collective representations of ourselves to separation and individual representations of self, we stamped our presence and impact on the world, with what we uncovered, discovered, managed and created. Obsessed with evolutionary growth and in the quest of knowing more to create more, we manifest a world of perpetual striving, struggle, effort and travail. We drive ourselves to master every possible practice, process, skill to create capability and competence to create more and more to announce our greatness to ourselves and others in the quest to be accepted, honoured, recognized, loved, envied and even attacked as a measure of how much we have of what others want.

Our constant pre-occupation is with defining and re-defining ourselves often by the work we do, what we create , who we know, what we can do , in order to give ourselves an explanation about why it is important for us to control and dominate others who do not measure up.

Somewhere along the way we meandered away from the whole and complete people we dreamed to be to the people we are, mere representations of what we do. We transformed from being to doing, perhaps losing the soul of the human being to the shell of a human doing.

You may wonder what lies ahead. Will the world end with the next “shift”, will life as we know it change irrevocably ? We may not be as clairvoyant as some of the “light worker” writers who predict a major earth-shift to a brighter better future, but perhaps we can help ourselves return to the “human beings” we once were and connect our emotional mind-maps in a supportive relational manner that promotes true and fuller awareness, understanding and nobility of purpose to drive us to achieve our dreams of a more humane and integrated world.

Meditation teacher and originator of the Synchronicity Experience, Master Charles puts the whole issue in perfect context when he says, “We must focus on holistic models of reality… truthful, inclusive, love-based ways of being and living. We must invest in Oneness within ourselves… in a more holistic awareness… a more co-creative and mutually supportive relationship with each other and the planet. In other words, we must learn to live with balance and create a balanced world in which life-supporting values and experiences are the primary focus. Love must dominate over fear… truth over illusion… harmony over conflict… experience over concept… and we over me.”

We need to develop and raise our Emotional Intelligence to a level of focus and fluency in managing and directing the flow of energy and information in order to bring about Positive Change in the world we are creating day by day.

Bringing back the “Human Being” in us would need us to unchain and uplift the human spirit to soar with noble purpose and elevate, engage, enrich and enchant our and others lives with applied emotional-cum-social intelligence, balance and integration to deliver the richness and fullness of life.

Mad for Mumbai

• From:The Australian
• October 09, 2010 12:00AM

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Taxis in Mumbai: "I have wept more here than I have ever in my life ... But the longer I stay, the more I seem to relax, let go, let it be." Source: Supplied

Living in India is like having an intense but insane affair, writes expat Catherine Taylor

TONIGHT, as I waved my high heel in the face of a bewildered taxi driver, I thought suddenly: I am absolutely nuts in India. It's a thought I have often. Someone or something is always going nuts, and quite often it's me.

I was trying to get a taxi driver to take me home, a mere 500 metres away, but it was pouring with rain and my shoes were oh-so-high, and it was late. He, of course, was having none of it; no amount of shoe-waving and sad-facing from a wild-haired firangi was changing his mind, when suddenly I remembered the magic trick - pay more than you should. "Arre, bhai sahab, 50 rupees to Altamount Road? Please?" And off we went.

I have lived in Mumbai for almost three years. It was my choice to come - I wanted offshore experience in my media career and India was the only country looking to hire - and I wanted a change. I needed something new, exciting, thrilling, terrifying. And India gave that to me in spades. In fact, she turned it all the way up to 11. And then she turned it up a little more.

To outsiders, living in India has a particular kind of glamour attached to it, a special sparkle that sees people crowding around me at parties. "You live in India? My God, really? I could never do that. What's it like?" The closest I have come to answering that question is that it's like being in a very intense, extremely dysfunctional relationship. India and I fight, we scream, we argue, we don't speak for days on end, but really, deep down, we love each other. She's a strange beast, this India. She hugs me, so tightly sometimes that I can't breathe, then she turns and punches me hard in the face, leaving me stunned. Then she hugs me again, and suddenly I know everything will be all right.

She wonders why I don't just "know" how things are done, why I argue with her about everything, why I judge, why I rail at injustice and then do nothing about it. She wonders how old I am, how much I earn, why I'm not married. (The poor census man looked at me, stunned, then asked in a faltering voice, "But madam, if you're not married then… who is the head of your household?") I wonder how she can stand by when small children are begging on corners, how she can let people foul up the streets so much that they are impossible to walk along, how she can allow such corruption, such injustice, such A LOT OF HONKING.

But she has taught me things. She has taught me to be brave, bold, independent, sometimes even fierce and terrifying. She has taught me to walk in another man's chappals, and ask questions a different way when at first the answer is no. She has taught me to accept the things I cannot change. She has taught me that there are always, always, two sides to every argument. And she was kind enough to let me come and stay.

She didn't make it easy though (but then, why should she?). The Foreigner Regional Registration Office, banks, mobile phone companies and rental agencies are drowning under piles of carbon paper, photocopies of passports (I always carry a minimum of three) and the soggy tissues of foreigners who fall to pieces in the face of maddening bureaucracy. What costs you 50 rupees one day might be 500 rupees the next, and nobody will tell you why. What you didn't need to bring yesterday, you suddenly need to bring today. Your signature doesn't look like your signature. And no, we can't help you. Come back tomorrow and see.

It's not easy being here, although I am spoiled by a maid who cooks for me, and a delivery service from everywhere that ensures I rarely have to wave my shoes at taxi drivers. I buy cheap flowers, trawl for gorgeous antiques, buy incredibly cheap books; I have long, boozy brunches in five-star hotels for the price of a nice bottle of wine at home, I have a very nice roof over my head … on the face of it, it would seem I have little to complain about. But then, I am stared at constantly, I have been spat on, sexually harassed, had my (covered) breasts videotaped as I walked through a market, had my drink spiked, been followed countless times. I have wept more here than I have ever in my life, out of frustration, anger, loneliness, the sheer hugeness of being here. But the longer I stay, the more I seem to relax, let go, let it be.

But I do often wonder why I'm here, especially when I'm tired, teary and homesick, my phone has been disconnected for the 19th time despite promises it would never happen again, when it's raining and no taxis will take me home. But then a willing ride always comes along, and we'll turn a corner and be suddenly in the midst of some banging, crashing mad festival full of colour, where everyone is dancing behind a slow-moving truck, and I won't have a clue what's going on but a mum holding a child will dance up to my window and point and smile and laugh, and I breathe out and think, really, my God, this is fantastic. This is India! I live in India! She hugs me, she punches me, and she hugs me again.

Yet I know won't ever belong here, not properly. I know this when I listen to girls discussing what colour blouses they should wear to their weddings - she's Gujarati, he's from the south, she's wearing a Keralan sari. I know when my friends give me house-hunting advice: "Look at the names of the people who already live there, then you'll know what kind of building it is." (Trouble is, I don't know my Kapoors from my Kapurs, my Sippys from my Sindhis, my Khans from my Jains). I know this when my lovely fruit man (who also delivers) begs me to taste a strawberry he is holding in his grubby hands and I have to say no, I can't eat it, I'll die… I know I will never belong because, as stupid as it sounds, being truly, properly Indian is in your DNA. I marvel at how incredibly well educated so many of them are, how they can all speak at least three languages and think it's no big deal, how they fit 1000 people into a train carriage meant for 300 and all stand together quite peacefully, how they know the songs from every Hindi film ever made, how they welcome anyone and everyone (even wild-haired, complaining firangis) into their homes for food, and chai, and more food.

I've seen terrible things - someone fall under a train, children with sliced-off ears, old, old men sitting in the rain nursing half-limbs while they beg, children covered in flies sleeping on the pavement, beggars with no legs weaving themselves through traffic on trolleys, men in lunghis working with their hands in tiny corridors with no fans in sky-high temperatures. I've read heartbreaking things, of gang rapes, corruption, environmental abuse. I've smelled smells that have stripped the inside of my nostrils, stepped over open sewers in markets, watched a goat being bled to death.

I've done things of which I am ashamed, things I never thought I would do. I have slapped a starving child away, I have turned my head in annoyance when beggars have tapped repeatedly on my taxi window, I have yelled at grown men in the face. I have been pinched and pinched back, with force. I have slapped, I have hit, I have pushed. I have screamed in anger. I have, at times, not recognised myself.

I've yelled at a man for kicking a dog, and yelled at a woman who pushed into a line ahead of me when I wasn't at all in a hurry. When a teenage beggar stood at the window of my taxi, saying "F… you madam" over and over, I told him to go f… himself and gave him the finger; once on the train I let a kid keep 100 rupees as change. I am kind and I am cold-hearted, I am fair and I am mean, I am delightful and I am downright rude. I am all of these at once and I distress myself wildly over it, but somehow, India accepts me. She has no time for navel-gazing foreigners; she just shoved everyone along a bit and made room for me. She has no time to dwell on my shortcomings, she just keeps moving along.

And then, and then. I've been to temples where I've sung along with old women who had no teeth, I've held countless smiling ink-marked babies for photos, I've had unknown aunties in saris smile and cup my face with their soft, wrinkled hands, I've made street vendors laugh when I've choked on their spicy food, I've danced through the streets at Ganpati, fervently sung the national anthem (phonetically) in cinemas, had designers make me dresses, I've met with CEOs and heads of companies just because I asked if I could. She hugs, she punches, she hugs again.

In short, I have been among the luckiest of the lucky. She keeps me on my toes, Ms India, and I have been blessed that she let me stay for a while. She wanted me to succeed here and she gave me grand opportunities and endless second chances. She willed me forward like a stern parent. She welcomed me. And when I leave, because I know I will one day, I will weep, because I will miss her terribly. And because I know she won't even notice that I am gone.

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Come September_ An EQ Enchantment with Six Seconds India

Six Seconds India is the INDIA OFFICE of Six Seconds USA which is a global organization supporting people to make a positive difference - everywhere, all the time. Six Seconds is the most extensive emotional intelligence organization in the world. In India , Six Seconds India is based in Mumbai, the commercial capital of India and a mega-metro-city of over 15 million people.

Six Seconds India is founded by Dexter Valles and two partners Sonali Kelkar and Sanjay Dutt - professionals with extensive experience in core industry, international business, higher education, training & development, research and consultancy with some of the finest brands of Corporate India.

Six Seconds teaches emotional intelligence (or "EQ") skills to equip change makers with tools and wisdom so future generations thrive. These learnable skills - including emotional literacy, optimism, empathy, emotional management, and self-motivation - create self-awareness, self-management, and self-direction. Ask yourself a few questions to know if you would like to begin an enchanting journey into your emotional inner world which controls and directs your outer world.

Do you often reflect on...

• What will make me more fulfilled and effective – at work, at home and the world at large?
• How do I stay connected with and fervently pursue every moment - what I value, what I dream and what I believe in?
• What can I do to be able to effectively interact with people – clients, colleagues, family members – that grows them and me together?
• Is there a way to practically learn from and apply the intelligence of my emotions?
  

...then welcome to the space of EQ Certification: Applied EQ for Real Change!. This 5-day program (followed by supported personal application methodology) is being hosted by Six Seconds (www.6Seconds.org) from September 19-23, 2011 in Mumbai, India. The program will be delivered by Joshua Freedman, COO of Six Seconds and renowned author of many articles and books including At the Heart of Leadership.

If you are a leader, manager, educator, parent, trainer or facilitator, you will take a powerful personal journey into yourself at this program. The certification will equip you with practical skills and tools to apply emotional intelligence to every area of life. Six Seconds developed the EQ-in-Action model in 1997 to help people put the theory of emotional intelligence into practice. The model integrates leading thinking on the emerging science of Self-Science into a practical, usable, memorable structure. It builds on the latest advances in neuro-sciences to make emotional intelligence accessible and applicable to daily choices.

The program will also be an opportunity for you to get introduced to Six Seconds and its pioneering programs that are helping develop leadership in corporations, strong educational institutions, teamwork, employee engagement, effective parenting and much more.

Visit Six Seconds India Webpages : https://sites.google.com/site/sixsecondsindia/

Smarter About Feelings

Smarter About Feelings

SMARTER ABOUT FEELINGS

An Introduction to emotional intelligence for kids

SS.

When I was a kid, no one taught me about feelings. Even when I took psychology in college I still didn’t learn why sometimes I felt angry or sad or worried or happy — and that I had a choice about my feelings. I noticed that I had different feelings, and other people did too. I noticed that sometimes I could get more of what I wanted by using the feelings that matched the situation, but a lot of the time it seemed like feelings were something that just happened to me.

How about you?

Have you learned much about your feelings? How have you learned that?

Do you feel in charge of your feelings, or does it seem like they’re in charge of you? Are there some feelings that are easier for you to understand, but others that are more confusing?

Almost accidentally, I started working in a job where I was teaching people about feelings, so I had to learn a lot! I read, talked to work friends, and paid much closer attention to my own and others’ reactions. I’ve enjoyed this learning about emotional intelligence and it’s helping me be happier, stronger, and accomplish more, so I want to share some of the ideas with you.

“Emotional intelligence” means being smart with feelings. Emotional intelligence allows us to make good decisions and work well with others.

Some people have not heard about emotional intelligence; it’s pretty much like other forms of intelligence. So what is “intelligence”? Someone who is intelligent is able to gather information and use it to solve problems. For example, if someone is smart about math, what can they do well? They pay close attention to numbers, and are accurate. Then they use that information to solve math problems (such as how to divide fractions).

Pretty much the same is true for emotional intelligence. People who are smart with emotions notice and can accurately describe feelings. They can use feelings to solve problems (such as how to be a good friend).

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Why does it matter?

A few years ago, a work friend of mine, Anabel Jensen, and I asked students how learning about emotions helped them. Here are a few of the answers from kids:

I felt more included.

I felt less alone.

I learned how to listen to people.

I learned how to be a better friend and to ask my friends to be better friends.

We were working together to make everybody’s life better.

I felt more in charge of my own feelings.

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How does that sound to you?

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People who practice emotional intelligence are better friends.

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In the last few years, a lot of research has been conducted to measure how emotional intelligence skills help people. The research, and our experience teaching about emotions, says that the skills of emotional intelligence help young people have less, and more:

Would you like less of these?

And more of these?

My sister and I were playing and having fun, but then she got really annoying and… well, here I am back in time out. I’m bored. I KNOW there is a lot to do, but I just can’t find the energy to do anything. I wish my friends would stop leaving me out of the game at school, but I don’t know how to get them to include me. I have lots of really good ideas, but sometimes kids don’t listen to me because they say I am too bossy. But their ideas are boring. A lot of times I KNOW the answers on the test, but I just can’t think of it right then.

I’m happy because I have lots of good friends and I can always talk to them. When kids are doing something wrong or dangerous, I am able to stop them — or at least walk away and not get involved in bad behavior. Sometimes I have bad moods, but I can get myself out of it and try again. I hardly ever have fights with my parents about homework because I’ve gotten good at doing it. My brother is sometimes annoying, but I know how to work around that so we have fun together.

Is there one on the right that you especially want to have more often? Can you think of other ways being smarter with feelings would help you and others?

.

Is there one of the stories on the left that you experience too often? Can you think of other problems that you could solve if you were smarter with feelings?

.

What are the “guys” in this picture feeling? Do you see any problems or challenges in this picture you could help them solve with EQ?

.

Getting Started

The best news about emotional intelligence is that it’s something EVERYONE has and everyone can improve. Maybe it’s not something you’ve given much attention, or maybe you’ve already learned a lot, but in any case you grow in this. I call this “growing on the inside.” On the outside kids grow in obvious ways (like getting taller). What does it mean to grow on the inside?

Can you notice how you’ve already grown a lot on the inside? For example, when you were little, you probably were more selfish and less careful than you are now. Maybe you’ve learned to think a little more before you act, or to notice when you’re feeling tired and take care of yourself better? Sure, maybe another kid or an adult is even better at some of those things, but you’ve grown — which shows you that you can. Do you want to grow on the inside even more?

This is a serious question. If you don’t actually WANT to be more emotionally intelligent, you are not likely to do it. On the other hand, if you go back to the two lists, above, and you want less of the “left” and more of the “right,” then you do want to grow — and you can.

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Emotions Are Messages

I work for an organization called Six Seconds. We’re called “Six Seconds” because of the way emotions work in our bodies. Suppose you’re playing and you break something you like. Here’s what happens in your brain:

The first ¼ second: You begin to pay attention and notice something happened.

Second ¼ second: Your brain begins to decide this is a problem, and produces a bunch of new chemicals.

Next ½ second: The chemicals go flowing into your brain and start going into your blood. These chemicals are messengers causing a whole bunch of different reactions in you (such as, tightening certain muscles, focusing your attention, making you tear up, changing the way you’re breathing).

Next 5 seconds: The chemicals continue to flow through your blood and go everywhere in your body. The emotion messenger chemicals cause different cells in your body to produce new chemicals — so they ripple through you expanding their effect.

After six seconds, the original chemicals are almost all gone. They’ve delivered their messages and you are now reacting to the mistake of breaking that item. Maybe you’re crying and sad, maybe your mad and wanting to blame, maybe you’re shocked and still, maybe you’re wanting to run away. Your reaction depends on how you’ve learned to deal with this flood of chemicals.

But here’s something amazing: Those original feeling chemicals are now gone. If you continue to feel sad/mad/afraid/hurt — whatever — you are actually choosing to re-create more and more of the feeling chemicals. You don’t HAVE to keep reacting. You’re reacting because that’s what you’ve learned to do. You can learn a different way of reacting.

Everyone has these chemicals, and each feeling chemical carries both a message and some chemical power. Feelings are information and energy. As we become more emotionally intelligent, we get better at “reading” the messages and we get to use the energy to move us forward in a useful direction.

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Three Steps for Feeling Smarter

At Six Seconds, we have a way of practicing emotional intelligence that uses three steps:

1. Notice your reactions.

We call this “Know Yourself” because we want you to tune in and pay close
attention to what’s happening inside you.

2. Take charge of your responses.

This step is called “Choose Yourself” because you have a lot of options
– which will you select?

3. Decide what’s really important.

“Give Yourself” is the final step because now you’re thinking not just
about you, but what you want to give to others and the world.

These three steps are not always easy, but we’ve found that (just like learning anything) when you start practicing, you get better and better at it. Usually we show people three steps in a circle. Once you’ve done any of the steps, it makes the next step easier. Then you can keep repeating the steps over and over until you are really clear about what you want and how to move toward that.

For the next few days, notice yourself in these three steps. Do you find certain steps easier, harder? Do you do some of the steps only in certain situations? Maybe you follow the steps carefully when you’re with some people, but not so carefully when you are with others?

Use this chart to check your progress. It gives examples what you might think, feel, and do if you are not practicing the steps of EQ…. and what you might think, feel, and do if you ARE practicing each step:

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What you say if you are not doing this	Are you putting the three steps in action?	What you say if you are doing this a lot ->
Feelings just happen, I have no idea why.	Know Yourself: Notice your reactions.	I can clearly see the sequence of events that lead to my feelings.
Act first, think later… I don’t have a choice.	Choose Yourself: Take charge of your responses.	I have choices about how to respond, I don’t need to react without thought.
I don’t think about others or the world, I’m just focused on what I want.	Give Yourself: Decide what’s really important.	I am connected to others and our world, and am committed to doing my part.

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You As A Scientist

At Six Seconds, we teach teachers a process for working with students on emotional intelligence. It’s called “Self-Science” because we want students to use the skills of a scientist to learn about themselves. A scientist notices. When something goes as expected, she notices that… and when something goes differently than planned, she definitely pays attention! Not with frustration or disappointment, but with curiosity. The scientist’s most powerful tool is the question. Scientists are always saying: “I wonder….” So I encourage you to try that out — to be like a scientist observing yourself.

Noticing your reactions and choices is a powerful way of developing emotional intelligence. In fact, by paying close attention to the way you’re following these steps, you’ll be working on step 1! What are your emotional intelligence strengths? Where do you get stuck or have trouble? Practice observing yourself as a Self-Scientist — you’re on your way to increasing your emotional intelligence!

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©2010 Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds, All Rights Reserved. Illustrations by Logoxid

Decoding Emotions

Decoding Emotions

Smarter About Feelings: Part Two

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Part One introduced the idea of becoming smarter about feelings — and how that can help you (kids) get more of what you want… and less of what you don’t want! In that article I promised that I’d also write more about emotions and the meaning behind our feelings. In Part One I also talked about the Know Yourself, Choose Yourself, Give Yourself “Six Seconds EQ Model.” This article is focused on the “Know Yourself” part: Noticing and understanding your feelings and reactions. Please share this with others — and also please let me know how you like the article, and tell Nicolas how you like the pictures!

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For most of my life, I found feelings completely confusing. They seemed to happen by themselves, suddenly a feeling would arrive and take over. Now that I’ve learned more about emotional intelligence, feelings are more making sense to me, but sometimes I still find them confusing.

When you were little, did you ever read the book,Sometimes I’m Bombaloo? The girl in that story gets so incredibly angry she feels like she’s turned into someone else. I guess everyone sometimes feels overwhelmed by big feelings. Sometimes by anger, but also by sorrow or fear or jealousy or guilt or a big mixed up ball of feelings all rolling together in a thunderstorm. Even excitement can become so big it seems to take over.

People sometimes call emotions like anger and fear “negative” or “bad” feelings, but I’ve come to see it a different way. Now I believe feelings are just part of us, and they’re not good or bad. They’re information and energy. What we do with that information and energy could be good or bad. It’s like electricity: It’s dangerous if you put a fork in the electrical outlet, it can even kill you. But that doesn’t mean electricity is bad, it means we need to learn about it and to use it carefully.

Putting Your Toe In

One of the most important steps to learning more about your feelings is to make friends with them. I mean, if you’re telling yourself your feelings are confusing and overwhelming and bad, then you are not going to be very patient learning about them.

When I was younger, I tried not to think about feelings because they scared me, I felt like they would overwhelm me. I remember in college I took an acting class, and my teacher, Marie, kept asking me how I was feeling. I was sad and scared because I was far away from the people I loved. One day I told her I didn’t like thinking so much about feelings because I thought I might drown in all the feelings. She said, “I’m not asking you to jump into the water, just to put your toe in it.”

That was a turning point for me. I experimented with Marie’s advice, and I was surprised to learn that I could notice my feelings and tune into them without being overwhelmed by them. I could get closer to my own feelings instead of hiding from them. I could put my toe in the water and it was interesting, not dangerous. I still didn’t understand feelings, but they were getting less scary.

Chess Moves

Do you ever play chess? For someone who doesn’t know the rules, it’s confusing. Why do some pieces go one step, and some jump, and some zoom around in diagonals or lines? If you didn’t know any of the rules, it would be hard to play!

I was talking to a work friend named David Caruso about feelings, he said, “Feelings are like chess pieces, there are certain moves they make.” This is a surprising idea: there is a logic to feelings. There are basic rules to learn about how they can move and change.

For example, here are three of the rules I’ve learned:

1. Emotions get more or less intense. Every basic emotion, such as joy or sorrow, fear or trust, can start out small and get bigger. A tiny bit of joy is peace. Add more and it’s contentment. Add more to get happiness. More might be pleasure, then delight, then bliss. So imagine someone was feeling peaceful because everything was going well, and then she got even more good news… the feeling would get more intense. Of course, feelings can get less intense too. It’s like a color wheel with all these shades and varieties of feelings.

2. Emotions combine. We usually have many feelings at one time. Maybe we’re happy to be seeing friends, worried about a test, and sad about an argument… all at the same time! That makes it hard to sort out what we’re feeling. Sometimes we name different combinations with a new word. For example, if I’m sad because something didn’t go the way I wanted it to, and a little angry that happened, I could call that mixed feeling “disappointed.”

3. Emotions focus our attention. We have feelings because something is happening – something inside us or something outside. For example, we have feelings when we think about a choice we’ve made. If we don’t like what we’ve done there is something going on inside us, so we have a feeling to say “Hey! Notice this, you may have a problem!” That feeling could be called remorse (or guilt or disappointment in ourselves). We have feelings when we see something new and unusual; we could call that surprise or interest. The purpose of an emotion is to get our brains to pay attention to this news.

Emotions as Potions

Imagine you discover this beautiful wooden box carved all over with intriguing symbols. You open the box, and nestled in soft velvet are eight bottles. Each looks different, some are cut crystal sparkly and bright. Some are dark glass with complex swirling designs. Each bottle has a different color potion inside. These potions are the eight basic emotions.

There are around 3000 different words for feelings in English. Where do all those come from? Different researchers have their own theories about what emotions are basic, and what emotions are combinations. There was a scientist named Robert Plutchik who said there are eight basic emotions and they combine in many different ways. Plutchik said we have these emotions because they help us survive.

Here is my interpretation of the way the emotions help us:

Basic Emotion	Why We Have It
Anger	To fight against problems
Anticipation	To look forward and plan
Joy	To remind us what’s important
Trust	To connect with people who help
Fear	To protect us from danger
Surprise	To focus us on new situations
Sadness	To connect us with those we love
Disgust	To reject what is unhealthy

You could draw the box with the eight bottles and decide the look and color of each emotion.

What color is Anger? How about Joy? What are their bottles like?

I imagine joy is in very sparkly bright bottle that seems to shine from inside.

The bottles come with a special dropper to release just a little of each one at a time. Imagine you open the bottles and combine drops of these emotions to make incredible potions. The different chemicals mix, changing colors – sometimes the colors stay bright and clear, sometimes they are swirling cloudy and confused. Sometimes sparks come flying out, sometimes a thick fog.

I’ve never seen a recipe book for this chemistry set, but here are some ideas of how different feelings could be a combination of the basic emotions:

Feeling	Possible Recipe
Impatience	Anger (there is a problem) + Anticipation (looking ahead)
Worry	Fear (danger) + Anticipation (looking ahead)
Boredom	Disgust (rejection) + Sadness (loss) + Fear (risk)
Hope	Anticipation (looking ahead) + Joy (wants fulfilled)
Respect	Trust (accepting) + Joy (wants fulfilled) + Anticipation (looking ahead)
Disappointment	Sadness (loss) + anger (there is a problem)
Jealousy	Anger (there is a problem) + Disgust (rejection) + Fear (risk)
Loneliness	Sadness (loss) + Fear (risk) + Disgust (rejection)

While this might seem like a fantasy story about wizards, emotions really are chemicals. Like the imaginary box of potions, our brains and bodies produce these different chemicals. The chemicals combine in our bodies and they go into our blood, then they affect every single part of us. Emotions are part of your body’s way of communicating with itself.

What is each guy feeling? What basic emotions are in the recipe for each feeling?

Reacting to Feelings

One of the most important truths of emotional intelligence comes from learning the difference between feelings, thoughts, and actions.

Imagine your brother messes up your project, you are mad and you tell yourself, “my brother is a jerk” and you hit him.

Notice in that story there is a feeling, a thought, and an action. The three are related, but different. A feeling is just a feeling. The feeling doesn’t create the thought or the action. The though, feeling, and action are influencing each other and they work together to make a problem. On the other hand, you could have the same feeling, the same thought, and a completely different action.

Why do you sometimes use problematic actions? While there are many ways of responding to each situation, most of us tend to use one reaction over and over. In a way, it feels good to get mad and hit. We do that, and we like something about it, and do it again. We KNOW that’s not the best solution, but it seems to happen automatically. It’s important to remember that behavior is not automatic, it’s something we’ve learned by practicing.

If we’ve practiced, “when I feel angry, I hit,” then we learn that pattern and we tend to use is over and over. Each of us tends to learn several patterns of reacting. For example, do you know someone who tends to “blow up” when they’re mad? Or someone who usually gets very quiet when they’re upset? Or someone who often leaves the room to get away from an uncomfortable situation?

How about you?

How do you usually react when you’re sad? Do you tend to cry, or get mad and blame someone, or pretend not to be sad, or make a joke, or something else?

How do you usually react when you’re mad? Do you hit, or say mean words, or get grouchy and prickly, or ____?

A pattern is your usual reaction. When (thought or feeling) , I (how you usually react) . For example… When I think someone is not listening to me I feel hurt .

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Remember the “observing like a scientist” idea I wrote about in part one? Observe yourself as if you were a scientist studying you. For a few days, notice when you have a big feeling, and notice how you tend to react. Do you fight? Get quiet? Run away? Do you cover your feeling with another feeling? Over time, notice how there are some patterns you use over and over.

When you do find some of your patterns: congratulations! You’re making great progress in being smarter about feelings.

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Don’t forget!

1. Emotions are energy and information. They combine, like potions, into many different feelings. They’re not good or bad, but each one has a message – a message from one part of you to another part of you.

2. Thoughts, feelings, and actions are not the same.

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Practice noticing the difference between Feelings, Thoughts, and Actions!

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©2010 Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds (www.6seconds.org). All Rights Reserved. Illustrations by Logoxid.

Thank you to Ayman Sawaf for the idea about the “drops” of feelings, to David Caruso for “Emotions Chess,” and to Emma Freedman for the idea about the color wheel.

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