EMOTIONS Our Constant Companions.

EMOTIONS Our Constant Companions

by Dexter Valles

Everyone I know has feelings. Feelings about almost everything. I dont know of anyone who does not have any feelings about something. Even if they say they don't ! Because that statement itself discloses a feeling !

So where do feelings come from ?

How long do they last ?

Why do feelings change ? 

Do we act on our feelings or can we suppress our feelings ?

Is it good to feel strongly about things ?

Is it more important to be emotional or rational ?

There is now a lot of research undertaken in the area of the brain and the mind. A field called neuroscience, which helps explain our behaviour. Psychometric and neurometric assessment tools and assessments developed in the fields of Emotional Intelligence or EQ, Neuro Linguistic Programming, Mindfullness, Whole Brain Thinking to name a few, have provided very useful insight into how our brain seems consciously and subconsciously  to influence our lives.

Research in neuroscience suggests and points to evidence that our Emotional Brain ( the limbic system of the mid brain ) triggers fastest , much ahead of the Cortical Brain ( the intelligent rational / thinking brain ) and if this is not integrated into the decision making process, we are more likely to act emotionally rather that with emotional intelligence.

Our brain is an amazing complex network of one hundred billion neurons, that regulate enormous traffic of information every second. Whew !! How awesome is that !!

A vital part of the brain's information-processing neural network includes, naturally, neurons, or cells that transmit signals containing messages throughout the brain. This complex network of neurons send these signals through  neurotransmitters, which really are chemicals which some neurons release and others receive. Chemicals in the brain !! Who would imagine that !!

These chemicals essentially let the different parts of our brain communicate with each other by jumping across synaptic connections from one neuron to another. And it is at super speed. These emotional chemicals are so fast to spread that they even beat the speed of thought !!

The four most widely studied brain chemicals are dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and norepinephrine.

Dopamine is related to experiences of pleasure and the reward-learning process. In other words, when you do something good, you're rewarded with dopamine and gain a pleasurable, happy feeling. This teaches your brain to want to do it again and again.

So watch out !! The learning curve is laced with dopamine !!

Oxytocin is a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. It regulates our social interactions and yes indeed, it is essential to sexual reproduction, playing a multifaceted role in regulating behaviors from mother-child bonding, empathy, generosity, trust, and the Big O in bed. When we hug or kiss oxytocin levels increase; hence, understandably oxytocin is often called "the love hormone."

Serotonin is associated with our memory and learning. An imbalance in serotonin levels is most likely to result in an increase in anger, anxiety, depression and even panic. So the next time you press the panic button, your serotonin probably needs a refill.

Norepinephrine helps moderate your mood by controlling stress and anxiety. It acts to regulate the effects of Cortisol, the Stress chemical of the brain

So our feelings which are body based sensations of our emotions, produced by these chemicals in the brain, are the first  to register and often linger for a long time. Becoming moods. Though if these feelings are acknowledged, entertained, observed for the messages they carry, the rational brain can process these feelings to decide on the most suitable course of action. Not that it works all the time this way, nor is it always as effective as we would like. But it does give us a chance to coach our behaviour into a better place !

So yes, we feel first, in between and last. We are always feeling. Though through odd advice and practice over the years, we have coached our mind to ignore our feelings. Or suppress them. This does not mean that our feelings do not exist. It actually means we allow our feelings to undermine the power of our decision making process, because we do not acknowledge them and ignore the emotional messages they carry. Thus allowing our emotions to invisibly influence us.

Amazing isn't it ? Like having a guest or even several guests at home and pretending he isn't or they aren't there. Yet allowing unfettered free access to the most private areas of our lives. What a terrifying thought !! 

So how do we strike a balance between our emotions and our thoughts ?

Because we are more conscious of our thoughts we use them to consciously influence our behaviour. Therefore it's really important that our thoughts are constructed with clarified emotions. Emotions which have been routed through our cortical brain to be processed with  reasoned pathways to action.

It's quite clear that our lives shall always be abuzz with our feelings because without them we really won't know what it means to be "alive" !! We can choose to ignore their presence only to find them too close for comfort. So what do you do with your constant companions. Your emotions. Your energy in motion.Your informants to how your inner world is responding to your outer world. Well, reward them for their loyalty !!

Acknowledge, appreciate, be attentive, encourage their voice, and be curious about their gifts !!

Unwrap them carefully. Most are marked Fragile !!

The Attitude of Gratitude

The Attitude of Gratitude

By Dexter Valles

How do you say thanks ?

Or do you say it at all ?

Do you need to say thanks or show it ?

Well, how do you show you are thankful ?

Is reciprocity an act of gratitude?

Do you need to be asked or reminded ? Does it then count as much ?

What are you usually grateful for ? The act itself or the result ?

Who are you usually grateful to?Those who help you ? Or those who need your help ?

How do you count your blessings ?

Do you hold back gratitude because you can't bear to acknowledge it ? Does acknowledging the need to show gratitude make you feel obliged or obligated ?

Who do you feel do not need your gratitude ? What does that tell you ?

Do you like talking about gratitude but cant be grateful yourself ?

If gratitude was a defining power in your life......answer this.

Whats your attitude of gratitude ?

Living Powerfully in the New Age

Living Powerfully in the New Age

by Dexter Valles

We now live in radically different times than ever before.

Technology has transformed life as we have never known it to be. Barring the human being looking the same, there is nothing today that  looks like anything yesterday.

Every single aspect of life has changed. Much of it for the better. Yes it comes with its hazzards. Yes nostalgia is always an escape from the hazzards.

But lets face it. We cant really go back to where we came from without losing the tremendous advantages, ease of living, speed of living, upskilling of everyday human capability, massive explosion of knowledge.

Mind boggling leaps into creation supported by an incredible expansion of the mind to drive fearless participation in an ecosystem underpinned by volatility, uncertainty, chaos and ambiguity !!

Our challenge would be to adapt as quickly as we can to manage and master the monster of life before it devours us. Do we drag our feet objecting to the difficulty it poses, dig in our heels and resist the metamorphic demands of our times or do we learn to be nimble and agile ? And master this monster of life ?

Lets ask ourselves a few questions. Our answers will inform us how we are likely to negotiate and navigate the future. Which is already on our front porch. About to ring our bell !

What would happen ??

If we don't cope or manage technology at the everyday application - gadgets and devices to begin with.

If we don't vigourously seek and embrace alternate sources of energy to light our homes right through to drive our cars, fly our planes, explore space, clean up the choked environment our dying planet.

If we don't want progress because we cant finance the cost and find the price we pay overwhelming ?

If we don't quickly learn to make space to pause and clear the debris of the construction of our new world before we construct shining towers of life with rubble of the past choking every corridor. What would then become of the human being and human relationships which deliver our dreams

If in the speed of living we race to dying

If we insist on processes and habits of the past to manage the deliverables of future.

If we agree to growing older but not growing into the world being built.

What would happen if YOU dont care to answer these questions?

An Ode to Friendship !

An Ode to Friendship !

Friendship is Love's poor cousin,

Waiting in humble service,

By Love's ornate door;

Whilst in her boudoir Love clasps,

Passion, Strength and Courage

Close to her scented breast !

Court Love and ye shall have these too;

Seek just the bejewel'd hand of Friendship

And ye shall forever banish Love to weep,

In the empty nest of a faraway memory,

Of a forgotten time.....

For perchance you may find Friendship lends its charms,

To a lifetime and more, of true Love,

Whilst Loves' bright flame, burns not as fierce with Friendships' wick,

Then choose to rest thy worn spirit

In the comforting cradle of love's care,

And gently place thy weary head,

On the blessed bosom of true love.

For Love must steer Friendship, To the Shore of Trust,

Through mists of Doubt and Delirium,

Where treacherous reefs of shallow conscience,

Bare the jagged edges of careless promises,

That e'er so oft, rip the seams of Love's fragile dreams.......

An Ode to a Coach

An Ode to a Coach

by Dexter Valles 

Life is a journey and oft a rough ride

We need good counsel and a guide on the side

Someone who will help us achieve our goals

Through the tumult of times to play such a role.

Of mentor and coach, a teacher who's tough

Especially when the pathway is rocky and rough

To lift us high to our lofty dreams

Knowing we can fly once we burst the seams.

Of the chains that shackle us down to the ground

And keep us from reaching our dreams that abound

The exhiliarating playing field of life

Where lions are born from the hearts of mice.

Where the world snatches hope from the meek and the mild

But a coach shapes a conqueror from the mould of a child.

A sounding board, a firm force in the field,

A trusted friend who helps us reveal

The armour we wear, the sword and the shield !

LEADERSHIP : An Inspiring Way of Life

LEADERSHIP : An Inspiring Way of Life

By Dexter Valles

Are you a Leader ?

I wonder what your answer is, to this seemingly simple question. I hope ofcourse that you answered in the affirmative. However if you didn't, maybe you should reconsider what you need to do to be a leader.

Quite often many consider leadership to be a designation in an organisational hierarchy. It is certainly so. And much more than that. It goes beyond designation. Because designation defines a role and details what you need to do. While to be a Leader, you need to BE a Leader ! The landscape is much larger. A manager manages tasks and can also lead. A leader always leads. At times, from behind. That's because Leadership is an inspiring and influential way of life. Leadership is about leading, inspiring, influencing and launching people to the Vision and Purpose of the organisation or community.

Lets look at what comprise the characteristics of Leadership.

I like to call them the 6 Cs of Leadership :

Competence :

To be counted on for your knowledge and expertise in the area you lead. Its not necessarily technical skill but certainly a high level of mastery of and immersion with the subject or market or industry.

A competent leader says " Ive got this "

Courage :

Stand up for your values and beliefs. Stand up for your people Have courage of your convictions. Draw the line and stand firmly yet not obstinately. Have the courage to admit your mistakes and to apologise.

A courageous leader says " You have me in your corner"

Compassion:

It is good to be tough and strong willed. Good to be determined and powerful. In all that, remember to be just and kind. Learn to lift people up not beat them down. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Practice living with abundance and gratitude.

A compassionate leader says " I understand you"

Conscience:

It's your lighthouse which must always illuminate the way in the darkest of nights. Your sense of right and wrong, just and unjust, fair and unfair, context and content. Your inner voice always rings your truths. Learn to listen. 

A conscientious leader says " You can count on me to do whats right"

Coherence:

Let your heart, mind and soul operate with clarity and coherence with what you do. Because that is who you are. No matter how or when or where you are observed or experienced, the stories told of you, must fall in place to form the picture of the world you strive to create.

A coherent leader says " All of me is fully and completely here and clear on how I can lead you with clarity to our shared vision"

Consistency:

One of the hallmarks of leadership is the consistency with which you demonstrate your leadership. The regularity and reliability of your performance, your engagement with the business, the people, the message you endorse, the vision you describe. People look for leaders they can count on to walk their talk, every time they experience them.

A consistent leader says " You will always find me here"

The 7th C ( Bonus ) is Coachability.

A leader must be willing to continually learn. A learning leader builds a learning organization or a community of learners. A leader must be open to feedback, to reflect on them and reach for support from others. To be coachable is to be aware of ones own shortcomings, the gaps between promise and performance in the pursuit of fulfiling purpose, to be humble to seek and engage support and guidance,  yet determined to own the journey.

A coachable leader says " I too must learn with you to rise up. Push out my limiting boundaries. To be more competent, courageous, compassionate, conscientious, coherent and consistent"

So what does a leader need to DO in order to BE a leader worth following ?

Here is what I believe every Leader needs to embrace as an agenda. An agenda of everyday engagement. In order to embody the ability to influence and inspire people. As a way of living the truths they proclaim.

Listen & Learn : The truth is in common sight outside. Pay close attention to what the returning message is saying. Is it close to the message you sent out ? What came back ?

Engage Emotions ( Hearts not just Hands)

People must feel valued and appreciated. Either that or they feel neglected. Hardly anyone can claim effectiveness and agility in performance when the heart is heavy. Neutrality is a myth. Emotions influence if not direct our actions. Emotions when engaged positively radiate into the environment connecting others to the vision.

Activate & Accelerate : Be the spark and the flame. Let knowledge and skill combine to create new standards of performance. Create competence and capacity. Build a groundswell of good practices and processes which will lift people to the performances they desire to deliver.

Develop (others) & Delegate:

Holding on to power or position does not define true leadership. Real leaders give away powers, making others powerful too. Leaders don't create followers. Leaders create more leaders. The King maker versus the King.

There is enough powerful positive available in the world to lift every single human being to their potential. Delegating wisely, and not dumping, help people develop and grow into their power. A powerful organization is a community of powerful positively engaged people performing to their potential.

Enlarge the Ecosystem :

As a leader we influence the ecosystem we operate in. We can either size it down and make it small, narrow, compartmentalized and confined so its easily manageable. Or we can choose to increase the challenge by opening the canvass to full spread. Reorient roles to break down the barriers of mindsets,  of parochial performances, of filtered vision, glass ceilings and partitions. Encourage the spirit of entrepreneurship. Lead people to the ocean, not wade in streams.

Redirect & Reshape :

Create a pulsating organisation. Be constantly aware of the journey and willing to redraw the map, redirect energies and reshape outcomes to serve the common vision of a dynamic metamorphic organisation in step with a constantly evolving living planet.

So in current conclusion, in the context of creating leaders worth following, it needs leadership character to be forged in the cauldron of an everyday way of life. It would demand that every leader must Learn while Leading, Engage Emotions of the people, Act Decisively with the 6Cs , Develop People's Potential not just performance,

Evolve Personally by pushing limiting boundaries and embrace Risk by learning to play outside the boundaries of Fear.

A Leader must leave forward a Legacy. One that inspires others. To continuously strive to create a worthy world.

What is the legacy you are creating

?

I Really Don't Have the Time !

I Really Don't Have the Time !

To be your friend, to do the right thing, to do my share of work, to do things I dont like especially for people I don't like, to keep fit, to study, to visit ailing relatives,  or anything I don't want to do....

Sigh !

Should we say what's true or blame it all on time, till people get the message ?

It's commonly known and admitted, we make time for things we like, people we like, want to do and decide to do despite the discomfort.

Our brain has a way of lobbying decisions. The emotional brain would tend to choose comfort, the cortical brain would usually choose whats logical and rational, the integrated brain would balance emotion with logic and find a way to do whats right. Because it also works with a moral compass.

But we do have ways of disconnecting our integrated brain, bypassing it with a flood of emotions which hardwire emotional preferences into our decision making. We then use creative ways to justify and support the decision, ironically, through emotionally funded logic and rationale !

And so, I really don't have the time, becomes an auto response and the matter dismissed thereafter. We shut down people because we dare not care. Its difficult to tell the truth. Its difficult to draw lines. Its difficult to negotiate. Its difficult to be authentic. Its difficult to practise integrity. Its difficult to make others' needs our priority.

Yet we want just the opposite from other people.

What must we do to have the time ? To make time available ? And yet not be hijacked by other peoples agendas.

So do you really not have the time ? Or is it something else ? How are you working that out ?

Relating with Emotional Purpose.

Relating with Emotional Purpose

by Dexter Valles

Visible or invisible, conscious or sub conscious, acceptable or unacceptable, every relationship has a purpose.

When that is gone, so is the relationship.

Emotion is the equal partner of the purpose. Although quite often, emotion being more experienced in the mind and body, may actually obscure sighting the purpose itself. Interestingly, when the emotion runs dry, so does the relationship. If you are engaged more with the emotion than the purpose which produces or accompanies the emotion, well, it may just leave you stranded and adrift, when it runs out.

So Love, for example, and not Lust which is often confused with Love,  one of the biggest human emotions, is not the purpose of the relationship. But as an emotion, it's quite overwhelming.  Love is often called the seventh wave in a sea of emotions that floats the ship of purpose. Which could be the vision of life together, children, building a great future together, partnership, and so on. Love is the emotion that wraps the vision around the relationship. And holds it together.

So why would the emotional glue run dry ? And strangely, it quite often does, doesn't it ? Sometimes emotional glue is replaced with emotional dynamite !! That is enough to clue us into the insight that the original emotion has transferred out of the relationship, perhaps because either the vision has played out its course and the purpose fulfilled. Or, the vision has shifted or redirected elsewhere or even crumbled along the way. And the binding emotion has metamorphed into something else.

Like Love turning lukewarm, because of an anticipated shared future together with children, morphing into a future of two independent lives held together just by children or joint financial engagements or physical assets and investments; the relationship spiraling down to a necessary business partnership. Or terrible incompatibility with each others habits, wants, needs or desires at close range can erode the vision crafting the very purpose of the relationship, with the core emotions then shifting to ones less binding. Maybe even more loosening to allow for breaking or unraveling of the relationship.

Have you experienced this in your lives ? Has a relationship that enthralled and bound you now become less enchanting or even broken ? Or has it improved ? Did a mild emotion with loose ties turn into a burning flame ? Did you find purpose shifting from casual to imperative ? Or did a need that originally drove your purpose get fulfilled elsewhere ?

Whats the more powerful experience for you ? And what does it tell you about how you have engaged with your life's purpose or purposes with the people you've enrolled ?

• We usually look for 5Rs in the performance of a relationship: Role, Relevance, Resonance & Reciprocity, Rigour and Results. We can call the fulfilment of these, evolved purpose.

Is there still enough evolved purpose to keep you in relationships which have served you well ?  Have you discovered or uncovered mistaken purpose along the way ? Did you not work with sufficient zeal and purpose towards your vision of the relationship?

Are you on the road to make, mend, amend or break ?

It hardly matters anymore in the present, what the past threw up. Although our egos are often in constant battle of what should have been. Who we are or not is then defined by our ego. So out of the window flies the original emotional purpose. And in comes Ego with explosive emotional baggage. The ghost of the past to haunt our future.

Being in the moment, is the most powerful way to exorcise the ghost of past perfidities. Let the past guide but not dictate the present. Look for past patterns that presently play out invisibly in crucial areas of your life .

Its probably good practise to pause and check for evidence of emotional purpose in your relationships. If you find that evidence and the emotional partnership, you could consciously stroke the responsiveness of that relationship. 

If you are struggling to find the evidence, maybe there is a tsunami of hidden emotions building in that sea !! Better get your relationships and partnerships to higher ground !! From there you can retrieve purpose or even redefine it.

Make up your mind and your heart about the energy you need to invest in the emotional purpose that drives each relationship. Release energies you have imprisoned in fatigued relationships to bring fresh perspective to fuel the true emotional purpose of your life.

A Voice from the Womb

A Voice from the Womb.

By Dexter Valles

Birthdays are a great confluence of emotions. Its an emotional memory of when one emerged from within the calm womb to the surging energy of the world outside. It is the most profound disturbance presented to anyone ever.

The moment of birth is also the moment of death. Birth to what is the greatest trauma called Life. Death of tranquility and peace. Birth pulls the plug of Life support.

So birthdays come and go. Life transits from teething troubles through to traumas to transformation. And the cycle oft repeats.

Reminiscing on the passage of life at a birthday can be a fascinating experience. In the very churn of subconscious emotional memories that underpin birth, lie insights into the consciousness that drive life.

Amazingly these insights present themselves with shocking clarity. But just for a while. Whilst the emotional seas part down the middle to allow a brief passage of stark clarity and revelation.

Almost eerily like a voice from the womb. The original home of the Soul. And then it is gone. When the tide of life sweeps over like a tsunami.

If you can listen carefully you will hear your soul speak.

I have reason to believe that I have heard that voice from the womb. My soul has spoken. And now I can see.

Metaphor Me, Metaphor Meaning !

I see a lot of catchy metaphorical motivational quotes and I'm often impressed by their messages. Here's my issue with them. For every positive metaphorical quote there is a very real negative quote too.

Like every sunset is followed by a sunrise. But the fear is - how long and how dark will be the night. Yes, the sun will rise, but will I be there to see it ? Or - get out of your comfort zone - so should I stay poor or ignorant and uncomfortable ?

I feel, if you want to say something useful, use your life experiences and quote from that. There is more reality in what we experience that metaphorical phrases which are often so trite , they are not worth the space they occupy.

So if I was to say, wait for the sun to rise and it shall, maybe I should say , find a way to deal with what you are going through, with support from friends, family, people we look up to, ask for advice, feedback, opinions, options, which will create discomfort within you, because it may challenge your current level of skill, knowledge or competence , or emotional balance for fear of losing even more in the process.

The so called sun rising is what happens when you work through these challenges actively engaging with the strengths , contacts, experience, wisdom of others to create the sunlight of more options than you thought you had. The courage too, to keep going through the darkness of your night, when you listen to the deep truths of how others have seen things through.

The discomfort that follows is to be expected since you will now need to develop new competences to deal with new options. But like exercising the body, your mind develops and fires new neural pathways, reframing the future.

As you go forward you will without doubt discover much more about yourself and what you can do. The sunrise is not seen by waiting for the night to pass. It's about you traveling through the night of your fears, incompetences, insecurities, loneliness, hopelessness, helplessness, emotional inadequacies,  to where the sun is shining already.

The sunrise is what you discover about what more you can do, who can help you, what goals are real , what spaces need to be filled, and what is it that you need to see in yourself and how to accept and love who you are while you get there

.

Leaking Truths Tell Tales !

Our everyday behaviour leaks the truth !! What we display in the smaller moments of truth reveal who we really are.

People soon sense it and respond accordingly. So if you are unhappy with how significant people in your life are responding to you, check the truths you are leaking everyday. 

Its easy to sidestep ownership of our behaviour by assigning reason to recycled past lives. Or what others do or did to us. It does not excuse one for not taking charge in the here and now. 

Every truth we live, every relationship we create, every action we indulge in, is an act of our will in the present. We are not prisoners of our past unless we agree to be so. Neither are we fettered by our future. Our power lies in who we are willing to be today. 

Because today is what we have. It is ours to shape. Nothing else matters.

Communicating the Relationship

Communicating the Relationship

by Dexter Valles

Communication is often referred to as a two way street. Listening is more critical than speaking. Body language and tone of voice speak many times more than the words we use. Listening with the heart and the head helps deliver empathy. A key ingredient.

All pointing towards paying genuine and sincere attention to the other. Communicating value.

Creating in the process, the right relationship based on mutual respect for people and their opinions, points of view, what they value and believe in, their realities and their interpretations of the world we live in. Consequently, both speaker and listener are equal partners in getting the best results from the communication.

Acknowledging each other gracefully is the essential first step to the relationship being created.

Easier said than done.

In today's instant world, it seems that everyone is in a rush to be acknowledged on a largely one way street. The novelty of communicating in many wondrous ways thanks to technology has served to mesmerise people with themselves. Almost narcissistic in a way, in the age of selfies, its more important to express and impress at the same time, repeatedly, incessantly, without much concern about the response.

Take a look at whatsapp, facebook, twitter, instagram and the like. Once posted, feedback is not really welcome and if received must always fit into the author's point of view. Narrow though it may be. Its not even important anymore to know or even acknowledge what the other has said or posted or tweeted or whatever. Responses are rarely towards the end goal of the original communicator. Its a window to present ourselves using the opportunity as a pole vaulter does. To vault across the topic without touching it.

Unlike what we know as useful, to read, listen, understand and then respond, people seem to be firing on all cylinders in the race to populate the space with whats important to them, often presented as whats important or should be important to the world. No longer to examine, understand and fit fragments of realities together. No longer to constructively discuss or debate. No longer to rearrange how we think and act with the welcome influence of how others think about the very same thing.

The pendulum has swung and stuck. Personal realities are frozen in a frenetically speeding time of a metamorphic world !! A hardwired circuit to a hair trigger relationship detonator.

Little wonder why relationships have become more competitive than collaborative. More sharply focussed on self than dispersed to include others. More Me than We.

So where does that leave friendships, family, team work, communities and organisations ?

You tell me.

I'll Call You Back

I'll Call You Back

by Dexter Valles

You must already be on a rapid thought train, no sooner did you read this title !

Ive used it often enough, but also paused to ask when it would be ok to do so.

I have I must admit, on the rare occasion forgotten to do so.

I wonder what your experiences are with this ? You and others who have said this to you.

Did you call back or get called back quickly enough ? Was it genuine ? Did you feel brushed off ? Was it a power play ? What could you have responded in the surprise of that moment; rather than "Uh Okay" ?

I have had this used to me right at the start and also down the middle of a call. Funnily enough some callers have said this no sooner than they called me !

A variety of experiences accompany this response. More often than not, I've not been called back, leaving me to wonder if I should have spent the time waiting for that call back. Not only that, but some folks have not called back for days thereafter. Maybe it would have been better to say "I've got to go now. Cant say when I can call back. Do excuse me"

Or just ask "When would it be okay to call you back ?" Or "How else can we connect later?" Or anything that could urge you to resume that relationship moment.

Yes, these and other such, are relationship moments. Which invisibly define the relationship.

Because how you come around to "calling back"  or not calling back, lets others know something about you, which helps them decide their time with you. In small invisible unconscious steps.

So when you next say "I'll call you back" what are you really saying ? And if its being said to you....what can you ask to know where you stand ?

I'll call you back. If you know what I mean.