Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Smarter About Feelings

Smarter About Feelings

SMARTER ABOUT FEELINGS

An Introduction to emotional intelligence for kids

SS.

When I was a kid, no one taught me about feelings. Even when I took psychology in college I still didn’t learn why sometimes I felt angry or sad or worried or happy — and that I had a choice about my feelings. I noticed that I had different feelings, and other people did too. I noticed that sometimes I could get more of what I wanted by using the feelings that matched the situation, but a lot of the time it seemed like feelings were something that just happened to me.

angryHow about you?

Have you learned much about your feelings? How have you learned that?

Do you feel in charge of your feelings, or does it seem like they’re in charge of you? Are there some feelings that are easier for you to understand, but others that are more confusing?

Almost accidentally, I started working in a job where I was teaching people about feelings, so I had to learn a lot! I read, talked to work friends, and paid much closer attention to my own and others’ reactions. I’ve enjoyed this learning about emotional intelligence and it’s helping me be happier, stronger, and accomplish more, so I want to share some of the ideas with you.

“Emotional intelligence” means being smart with feelings. Emotional intelligence allows us to make good decisions and work well with others.

Some people have not heard about emotional intelligence; it’s pretty much like other forms of intelligence. So what is “intelligence”? Someone who is intelligent is able to gather information and use it to solve problems. For example, if someone is smart about math, what can they do well? They pay close attention to numbers, and are accurate. Then they use that information to solve math problems (such as how to divide fractions).

Pretty much the same is true for emotional intelligence. People who are smart with emotions notice and can accurately describe feelings. They can use feelings to solve problems (such as how to be a good friend).

.

Why does it matter?

A few years ago, a work friend of mine, Anabel Jensen, and I asked students how learning about emotions helped them. Here are a few of the answers from kids:

I felt more included.

I felt less alone.

I learned how to listen to people.

I learned how to be a better friend and to ask my friends to be better friends.

We were working together to make everybody’s life better.

I felt more in charge of my own feelings.

.

How does that sound to you?

.

friends

People who practice emotional intelligence are better friends.

.

In the last few years, a lot of research has been conducted to measure how emotional intelligence skills help people. The research, and our experience teaching about emotions, says that the skills of emotional intelligence help young people have less, and more:

Would you like less of these?And more of these?

sad

My sister and I were playing and having fun, but then she got really annoying and… well, here I am back in time out.

I’m bored. I KNOW there is a lot to do, but I just can’t find the energy to do anything.

I wish my friends would stop leaving me out of the game at school, but I don’t know how to get them to include me.

I have lots of really good ideas, but sometimes kids don’t listen to me because they say I am too bossy. But their ideas are boring.

A lot of times I KNOW the answers on the test, but I just can’t think of it right then.

I’m happy because I have lots of good friends and I can always talk to them.

When kids are doing something wrong or dangerous, I am able to stop them — or at least walk away and not get involved in bad behavior.

Sometimes I have bad moods, but I can get myself out of it and try again.

I hardly ever have fights with my parents about homework because I’ve gotten good at doing it.

My brother is sometimes annoying, but I know how to work around that so we have fun together.

content

Is there one on the right that you especially want to have more often? Can you think of other ways being smarter with feelings would help you and others?

.

Is there one of the stories on the left that you experience too often? Can you think of other problems that you could solve if you were smarter with feelings?

.

left out

What are the “guys” in this picture feeling?

Do you see any problems or challenges in this picture you could help them solve with EQ?

.

Getting Started

The best news about emotional intelligence is that it’s something EVERYONE has and everyone can improve. Maybe it’s not something you’ve given much attention, or maybe you’ve already learned a lot, but in any case you grow in this. I call this “growing on the inside.” On the outside kids grow in obvious ways (like getting taller). What does it mean to grow on the inside?

Can you notice how you’ve already grown a lot on the inside? For example, when you were little, you probably were more selfish and less careful than you are now. Maybe you’ve learned to think a little more before you act, or to notice when you’re feeling tired and take care of yourself better? Sure, maybe another kid or an adult is even better at some of those things, but you’ve grown — which shows you that you can. Do you want to grow on the inside even more?

This is a serious question. If you don’t actually WANT to be more emotionally intelligent, you are not likely to do it. On the other hand, if you go back to the two lists, above, and you want less of the “left” and more of the “right,” then you do want to grow — and you can.

-

Emotions Are Messages

I work for an organization called Six Seconds. We’re called “Six Seconds” because of the way emotions work in our bodies. Suppose you’re playing and you break something you like. Here’s what happens in your brain:

The first ¼ second: You begin to pay attention and notice something happened.

Second ¼ second: Your brain begins to decide this is a problem, and produces a bunch of new chemicals.

Next ½ second: The chemicals go flowing into your brain and start going into your blood. These chemicals are messengers causing a whole bunch of different reactions in you (such as, tightening certain muscles, focusing your attention, making you tear up, changing the way you’re breathing).

Next 5 seconds: The chemicals continue to flow through your blood and go everywhere in your body. The emotion messenger chemicals cause different cells in your body to produce new chemicals — so they ripple through you expanding their effect.

After six seconds, the original chemicals are almost all gone. They’ve delivered their messages and you are now reacting to the mistake of breaking that item. Maybe you’re crying and sad, maybe your mad and wanting to blame, maybe you’re shocked and still, maybe you’re wanting to run away. Your reaction depends on how you’ve learned to deal with this flood of chemicals.

But here’s something amazing: Those original feeling chemicals are now gone. If you continue to feel sad/mad/afraid/hurt — whatever — you are actually choosing to re-create more and more of the feeling chemicals. You don’t HAVE to keep reacting. You’re reacting because that’s what you’ve learned to do. You can learn a different way of reacting.

Everyone has these chemicals, and each feeling chemical carries both a message and some chemical power. Feelings are information and energy. As we become more emotionally intelligent, we get better at “reading” the messages and we get to use the energy to move us forward in a useful direction.

-

Three Steps for Feeling Smarter

At Six Seconds, we have a way of practicing emotional intelligence that uses three steps:

1. Notice your reactions.

We call this “Know Yourself” because we want you to tune in and pay close
attention to what’s happening inside you.

give2. Take charge of your responses.

This step is called “Choose Yourself” because you have a lot of options
– which will you select?

3. Decide what’s really important.

“Give Yourself” is the final step because now you’re thinking not just
about you, but what you want to give to others and the world.

These three steps are not always easy, but we’ve found that (just like learning anything) when you start practicing, you get better and better at it. Usually we show people three steps in a circle. Once you’ve done any of the steps, it makes the next step easier. Then you can keep repeating the steps over and over until you are really clear about what you want and how to move toward that.

For the next few days, notice yourself in these three steps. Do you find certain steps easier, harder? Do you do some of the steps only in certain situations? Maybe you follow the steps carefully when you’re with some people, but not so carefully when you are with others?

Use this chart to check your progress. It gives examples what you might think, feel, and do if you are not practicing the steps of EQ…. and what you might think, feel, and do if you ARE practicing each step:

-

What you say if you are not doing this

Are you putting the three steps in action?

What you say if you are doing this a lot ->

Feelings just happen, I
have no idea why.

Know Yourself:

Notice your reactions.

I can clearly see the
sequence of events that lead to my feelings.

Act first, think later…
I don’t have a choice.

Choose Yourself:

Take charge of your responses.

I have choices about
how to respond, I don’t need to react without thought.

I don’t think about
others or the world, I’m just focused on what I want.

Give Yourself:

Decide what’s really important.

I am connected to
others and our world, and am committed to doing my part.

-

You As A Scientist

scientistAt Six Seconds, we teach teachers a process for working with students on emotional intelligence. It’s called “Self-Science” because we want students to use the skills of a scientist to learn about themselves. A scientist notices. When something goes as expected, she notices that… and when something goes differently than planned, she definitely pays attention! Not with frustration or disappointment, but with curiosity. The scientist’s most powerful tool is the question. Scientists are always saying: “I wonder….” So I encourage you to try that out — to be like a scientist observing yourself.

Noticing your reactions and choices is a powerful way of developing emotional intelligence. In fact, by paying close attention to the way you’re following these steps, you’ll be working on step 1! What are your emotional intelligence strengths? Where do you get stuck or have trouble? Practice observing yourself as a Self-Scientist — you’re on your way to increasing your emotional intelligence!

-

- • -

-

©2010 Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds, All Rights Reserved. Illustrations by Logoxid

Decoding Emotions

Decoding Emotions

Smarter About Feelings: Part Two

.

Part One introduced the idea of becoming smarter about feelings — and how that can help you (kids) get more of what you want… and less of what you don’t want! In that article I promised that I’d also write more about emotions and the meaning behind our feelings. In Part One I also talked about the Know Yourself, Choose Yourself, Give Yourself “Six Seconds EQ Model.” This article is focused on the “Know Yourself” part: Noticing and understanding your feelings and reactions. Please share this with others — and also please let me know how you like the article, and tell Nicolas how you like the pictures! :)

.

overwhelming emotions

For most of my life, I found feelings completely confusing. They seemed to happen by themselves, suddenly a feeling would arrive and take over. Now that I’ve learned more about emotional intelligence, feelings are more making sense to me, but sometimes I still find them confusing.

When you were little, did you ever read the book,Sometimes I’m Bombaloo? The girl in that story gets so incredibly angry she feels like she’s turned into someone else. I guess everyone sometimes feels overwhelmed by big feelings. Sometimes by anger, but also by sorrow or fear or jealousy or guilt or a big mixed up ball of feelings all rolling together in a thunderstorm. Even excitement can become so big it seems to take over.

People sometimes call emotions like anger and fear “negative” or “bad” feelings, but I’ve come to see it a different way. Now I believe feelings are just part of us, and they’re not good or bad. They’re information and energy. What we do with that information and energy could be good or bad. It’s like electricity: It’s dangerous if you put a fork in the electrical outlet, it can even kill you. But that doesn’t mean electricity is bad, it means we need to learn about it and to use it carefully.

Putting Your Toe In

One of the most important steps to learning more about your feelings is to make friends with them. I mean, if you’re telling yourself your feelings are confusing and overwhelming and bad, then you are not going to be very patient learning about them.

When I was younger, I tried not to think about feelings because they scared me, I felt like they would overwhelm me. I remember in college I took an acting class, and my teacher, Marie, kept asking me how I was feeling. I was sad and scared because I was far away from the people I loved. One day I told her I didn’t like thinking so much about feelings because I thought I might drown in all the feelings. She said, “I’m not asking you to jump into the water, just to put your toe in it.”

That was a turning point for me. I experimented with Marie’s advice, and I was surprised to learn that I could notice my feelings and tune into them without being overwhelmed by them. I could get closer to my own feelings instead of hiding from them. I could put my toe in the water and it was interesting, not dangerous. I still didn’t understand feelings, but they were getting less scary.

Chess Moves

Do you ever play chess? For someone who doesn’t know the rules, it’s confusing. Why do some pieces go one step, and some jump, and some zoom around in diagonals or lines? If you didn’t know any of the rules, it would be hard to play!

I was talking to a work friend named David Caruso about feelings, he said, “Feelings are like chess pieces, there are certain moves they make.” This is a surprising idea: there is a logic to feelings. There are basic rules to learn about how they can move and change.

feelings as chess pieces

For example, here are three of the rules I’ve learned:

color wheel1. Emotions get more or less intense. Every basic emotion, such as joy or sorrow, fear or trust, can start out small and get bigger. A tiny bit of joy is peace. Add more and it’s contentment. Add more to get happiness. More might be pleasure, then delight, then bliss. So imagine someone was feeling peaceful because everything was going well, and then she got even more good news… the feeling would get more intense. Of course, feelings can get less intense too. It’s like a color wheel with all these shades and varieties of feelings.

2. Emotions combine. We usually have many feelings at one time. Maybe we’re happy to be seeing friends, worried about a test, and sad about an argument… all at the same time! That makes it hard to sort out what we’re feeling. Sometimes we name different combinations with a new word. For example, if I’m sad because something didn’t go the way I wanted it to, and a little angry that happened, I could call that mixed feeling “disappointed.”

3. Emotions focus our attention. We have feelings because something is happening – something inside us or something outside. For example, we have feelings when we think about a choice we’ve made. If we don’t like what we’ve done there is something going on inside us, so we have a feeling to say “Hey! Notice this, you may have a problem!” That feeling could be called remorse (or guilt or disappointment in ourselves). We have feelings when we see something new and unusual; we could call that surprise or interest. The purpose of an emotion is to get our brains to pay attention to this news.

Emotions as Potions

Imagine you discover this beautiful wooden box carved all over with intriguing symbols. You open the box, and nestled in soft velvet are eight bottles. Each looks different, some are cut crystal sparkly and bright. Some are dark glass with complex swirling designs. Each bottle has a different color potion inside. These potions are the eight basic emotions.

There are around 3000 different words for feelings in English. Where do all those come from? Different researchers have their own theories about what emotions are basic, and what emotions are combinations. There was a scientist named Robert Plutchik who said there are eight basic emotions and they combine in many different ways. Plutchik said we have these emotions because they help us survive.

Here is my interpretation of the way the emotions help us:

Basic EmotionWhy We Have It
AngerTo fight against problems
AnticipationTo look forward and plan
JoyTo remind us what’s important
TrustTo connect with people who help
FearTo protect us from danger
SurpriseTo focus us on new situations
SadnessTo connect us with those we love
DisgustTo reject what is unhealthy

painting emotionsYou could draw the box with the eight bottles and decide the look and color of each emotion.

What color is Anger? How about Joy? What are their bottles like?

I imagine joy is in very sparkly bright bottle that seems to shine from inside.

The bottles come with a special dropper to release just a little of each one at a time. Imagine you open the bottles and combine drops of these emotions to make incredible potions. The different chemicals mix, changing colors – sometimes the colors stay bright and clear, sometimes they are swirling cloudy and confused. Sometimes sparks come flying out, sometimes a thick fog.

I’ve never seen a recipe book for this chemistry set, but here are some ideas of how different feelings could be a combination of the basic emotions:

FeelingPossible Recipe
ImpatienceAnger (there is a problem) + Anticipation (looking ahead)
WorryFear (danger) + Anticipation (looking ahead)
BoredomDisgust (rejection) + Sadness (loss) + Fear (risk)
HopeAnticipation (looking ahead) + Joy (wants fulfilled)
RespectTrust (accepting) + Joy (wants fulfilled) + Anticipation (looking ahead)
DisappointmentSadness (loss) + anger (there is a problem)
JealousyAnger (there is a problem) + Disgust (rejection) + Fear (risk)
LonelinessSadness (loss) + Fear (risk) + Disgust (rejection)

While this might seem like a fantasy story about wizards, emotions really are chemicals. Like the imaginary box of potions, our brains and bodies produce these different chemicals. The chemicals combine in our bodies and they go into our blood, then they affect every single part of us. Emotions are part of your body’s way of communicating with itself.

What is each guy feeling?

What basic emotions are in the recipe for each feeling?

feeling expressions

Reacting to Feelings

One of the most important truths of emotional intelligence comes from learning the difference between feelings, thoughts, and actions.

Imagine your brother messes up your project, you are mad and you tell yourself, “my brother is a jerk” and you hit him.

Notice in that story there is a feeling, a thought, and an action. The three are related, but different. A feeling is just a feeling. The feeling doesn’t create the thought or the action. The though, feeling, and action are influencing each other and they work together to make a problem. On the other hand, you could have the same feeling, the same thought, and a completely different action.

Why do you sometimes use problematic actions? While there are many ways of responding to each situation, most of us tend to use one reaction over and over. In a way, it feels good to get mad and hit. We do that, and we like something about it, and do it again. We KNOW that’s not the best solution, but it seems to happen automatically. It’s important to remember that behavior is not automatic, it’s something we’ve learned by practicing.

If we’ve practiced, “when I feel angry, I hit,” then we learn that pattern and we tend to use is over and over. Each of us tends to learn several patterns of reacting. For example, do you know someone who tends to “blow up” when they’re mad? Or someone who usually gets very quiet when they’re upset? Or someone who often leaves the room to get away from an uncomfortable situation?

How about you?

How do you usually react when you’re sad? Do you tend to cry, or get mad and blame someone, or pretend not to be sad, or make a joke, or something else?

How do you usually react when you’re mad? Do you hit, or say mean words, or get grouchy and prickly, or ____?

A pattern is your usual reaction. When (thought or feeling) , I (how you usually react) .

For example…

When I think someone is not listening to me not listening

I feel hurt .feel hurt

.

Remember the “observing like a scientist” idea I wrote about in part one? Observe yourself as if you were a scientist studying you. For a few days, notice when you have a big feeling, and notice how you tend to react. Do you fight? Get quiet? Run away? Do you cover your feeling with another feeling? Over time, notice how there are some patterns you use over and over.

When you do find some of your patterns: congratulations! You’re making great progress in being smarter about feelings.

.

Don’t forget!

1. Emotions are energy and information. They combine, like potions, into many different feelings. They’re not good or bad, but each one has a message – a message from one part of you to another part of you.

2. Thoughts, feelings, and actions are not the same.

.

feelings, thoughts, actions

Practice noticing the difference between Feelings, Thoughts, and Actions!

©2010 Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds (www.6seconds.org). All Rights Reserved. Illustrations by Logoxid.

Thank you to Ayman Sawaf for the idea about the “drops” of feelings, to David Caruso for “Emotions Chess,” and to Emma Freedman for the idea about the color wheel.

.